the perfectionism monster, thie Diana photos have arrived

excitedly this week I picked up my first photos from the Diana adventure. Even though I had agreed with myself that one good image per roll of film was my hope. In the unrealistic part of me I wanted the roll to turn out just like the amazing photographers I see online. Every image exciting and interesting, an intriguing version of my life. Amazingly the roll of film didn't turn out like a professional. My heart sank, I chastised myself. The reality is, I did get 2 images that I love, so the real me got what I wanted. It was another lesson in my riduculous high expectations of myself. Start something and be great straight away. I have got so much better with this but the monster in always just around the corner, ready to jump out. It really is sad that I do this especially when the Diana was all about having fun, not a thing to be perfect at. This camera and style of photography is all imperfectness that creates accidental magic.

Photo: Snapshot of Battersea Power Staion on the way to work from my commuter train.

i love that my creative pursuits teach me so much about myself, pulls me up when I am slipping into old behaviours that can be so limiting. I wiki'd perfectionism and here are the negative aspects:

In its pathological form, perfectionism can be very damaging. It can take the form of procrastination when it is used to postpone tasks ("I can't start my project until I know the 'right' way to do it."), and self-deprecation when it is used to excuse poor performance or to seek sympathy and affirmation from other people ("I can't believe I don't know how to reach my own goals. I must be stupid; how else could I not be able to do this?").

In the workplace, perfectionism is often marked by low productivity as individuals lose time and energy on small irrelevant details of larger projects or mundane daily activities. This can lead to depression, alienated colleagues, and a greater risk of accidents.[8] Adderholt-Elliot (1989) describes five characteristics of perfectionist students and teachers which contribute to underachievement: procrastination, fear of failure, the all-or-nothing mindset, paralysed perfectionism, and workaholism.[9] In intimate relationships, unrealistic expectations can cause significant dissatisfaction for both partners.[10] Perfectionists may sacrifice family and social activities in the quest for their goals.

Perfectionists can suffer anxiety and low self-esteem. Perfectionism is a risk factor for obsessive compulsive personality disorder, eating disorders, self harm, and clinical depression."

Photo: Catching the train on a lovely September evening.

goodbye crazy perfectionism, throw this perfectionism monster out the door. It is ugly and dark and can take me back to place I no longer want to visit. I find the timing so interesting as I have just been contemplating revisiting my splendidly imperfect girl concept, oh yes life does point us where we need to be.